Soccer Tips For New Fans and Non-Fans
Well, the World Cup rumbles on...the American team, with its unwieldy name of USMNT, has been bounced from the tournament in a sad, but predictable fashion.
Nevertheless, this tournament has brought world class play and national fervor to the US in a big way. The ubiquitous nature of all this soccer news makes it difficult to avoid the hoopla- no matter how hard one might try.
Many older Americans (and I include myself here) do not have a longstanding connection to this illogically beloved game in the same way we do to baseball, football, basketball or hockey.
Thus we are trying to learn soccer on the fly, so to speak, so that we can better grasp the nuances of this sport that can seem on the surface to be rather mundane.
I hold a small advantage there, as all five of our kids have played lots of soccer, as have some of the grandchildren. Accordingly, I have assembled what I have learned over the years into a brief primer, constructed in a convenient Q&A fashion, in order to help my fellow soccer- challenged oldsters gain a clearer understanding of why this dull game is so irrationally popular.
What follows are 11 questions, some true/ false and some multiple choice. Coincidentally, that's one question for each of the 11 positions on a standard soccer team.
1) Soccer afficionados continue to insist that soccer is the only team sport that has a game clock that never stops.
A) True
2) Official game time is kept by a single secret authority- and known only to him. Incremental adjustments in available time, also known only to him, are collectively called....
A) pause time
B) wait-a-minute time
C) I -know- something- you- don't -know time
D) stoppage time ( this choice should be incorrect because--as we are frequently reminded by soccer advocates--in soccer the play never stops)
3) When a soccer player suddenly goes to the ground, often writhing around and holding a knee, the most common part that was actually injured is :
A) none
B) human dignity
4) the purpose of the highly effective "offsides" rule is to
A) quickly squelch any exciting moments
B) keep scoring down as low as possible, ideally nil- to -nil (what we call nuthin' to nuthin')
C) provide several 3- 4 minute replay pauses in this game that never pauses
D) All of the above
5) characteristics common to these elite soccer players include:
A) very well- conditioned, with a lean build
B) low pain threshold
C) poor acting skills
D) often do not actually reside in the country they play for
6) the purpose of the "hydration breaks" that have been introduced in this World Cup is to:
A) provide yet more pauses (two per game) in this game where the clock allegedly never stops.
B) allow extra revenue via television commercials.
C) allow the broadcasters to take a bathroom break (to "un- hydrate", as it were)
D) allow viewers who are actually devoted fans of other sports to sneak a long peek at their preferred sport on a different channel
7) Stoppage time is an amount of extra time- usually 6-8 minutes- secretly kept by a single anonymous referee in order to make up for all those pauses that don't happen in soccer. Side effects of stoppage time include:
A) it provides an easy reason for furious fans to riot on any suspicion of corruption
B) it induces even more stoppage time, even as stoppage time elapses
C) it neatly avoids all those annoying, unexciting crowd countdowns ( eg 1980 USA Olympic Hockey) as the final seconds tick away at the end of an important game, since only one person in the stadium actually knows how much time is left to play
D) it provides extra- income opportunities for any referee with "flexible" personal integrity.
8) the soccer term used to denote the most common score is
A) nil
B) naught
C) nada
D) zip
E) Any word except zero
9) Referees use a complex, highly subjective yellow card/ red card system to govern players' comportment during a game. A brief trial of an additional designation using a green card to award good conduct was abandoned due to concerns of confusion resulting from:
A) players with red/ green color blindness
B) some teams whose home countries do not jibe with standard American traffic signals
C) hassles during team travel at American borders due to ever- changing policies of the Trump administration.
10) The use of a short series of one- on - one close range kicks to quickly settle a game outcome after 120 total minutes of standard team play has generated a tie score is:
A) weird
11) Rule changes that should be considered to help limit scoring (in a more unexciting, soccer- like fashion) among current American sports include:
A) making the basketball rims exactly the same diameter as the basketball
B) removing baseball fences and adding three outfielders per team
C) making the final 10 yards at either end of a football field slant upward at a 45 degree angle.
D) change out hockey pucks for beach balls
There are your 11 questions. There is no answer sheet per se, meaning that this test requires strong effort for a good while, without producing an actual score. (Sound familiar?)
And in observance of the likelihood that you paused a few times while reading this, I offer one more question ( using Quiz Stoppage time)
12) Soccer fans and players often refer to their sport as "the beautiful game", which tells you that..
A) they are very proud of soccer
B) they have a different concept of beauty
C) they have never seen another sport.
D) All of the above.
I hope this lesson has been helpful to those of you looking to learn more about soccer.
But if the material is still unclear, take a bit more time. You can simply hit "pause" on whatever soccer match you may be watching. When you're ready, just hit fast- forward and skip ahead to the present moment. The chance that you've missed anything exciting is nil.
Patrick Conarro
RamblinSports